How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to
support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, & SuffeRing.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* - Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful!
NICKNAMES
:
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING
OUT :
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20,
even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
:
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
FUTURE
:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING
UP :
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer
the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.