My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright fatty"

They say travelling broadens the mind. Except for American's where it tends to widen the arse.

Did you know you're 8 times more likely to be mugged in London than in new York City. That's because you don't live in New York city.

I have some advice for you. If you like a girl but she says she loves you like a brother, take her to Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk when it probably is your sister.

I've got a friend who picked up two girls last week. I said they're like buses. He said "what you wait for ages and two come along together." I said "No ... THEY are like buses."

Someone came up to me last week and complained about that joke. Big boned girl she was. She said "You're fat-ist you are". "No" I said, "I think you're fattest".

Someone calls Admiral Insurance every six seconds for a quote. What a nutter !

Environmentalists say that everyday an area the size of Wales is destroyed. Why is it never Wales ?

I bought my girlfriend a book the other day. It's called "Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking." Which is ideal for her because not only is she a vegetarian ...

The reason that old men use Viagra is not because they are impotent. It's because old women are so very ugly.

I went to the airport check-in desk. The girl said " Window seat or aisle ?". I said "Window seat or I'll what ? Are you threatening me ?"

"No, no" she said, "calm down sir, you don't understand. Window, Seat or aisle ?" "Seat obviously" I said.

I bought one of those round the world air tickets, £1,200 amazing value. 37 hours later I arrive back in Heathrow.

Now, boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is ? They don't fancy each other.

Cats have 9 lives which makes them ideal for experimentation.

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas, so do be careful at the office party.

When it comes to charity, a lot of people stop at nothing.

I saw a charity appeal the other day, little Zuki in Zambia has to walk 15 miles every day just to fetch water, and I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

I would like to leave you with one frightening fact. If you took all the money that the West spends on food in one week you could feed the Third World for a year. Now I don't know about you good people but I can't help feeling that we are being overcharged for our groceries.