Following
a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new
flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong
taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's
that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
“Why,
that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
“How
does it work?"
“I'll
show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an
unpadded hammer.
Suddenly,
a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you
*****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A
young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get
married. He says,
"Just
for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my
fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The
next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the
couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay,
Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies,
"The
red-head in the middle."
“That's
amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I
don't like her."
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Mick
was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with
beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the
courtroom yelled out,
"You
b*stard!"
The
judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death
with a spanner."
Again,
the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You
****ing b*stard!!!"
The
judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said,
"Paddy,
I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have
any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now
what is the problem?"
Paddy,
at the back of the court stood up and responded,
"For
fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow
a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A
man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his
shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his
shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven
times before the bartender asks him,
"Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The
man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
An
engineer, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to
heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him,
"Since
you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".
The
Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."
St.
Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. He then asked God,
"Hey,
aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God
said, "Ah, yes."
"Well,"
said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.
1.
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4.
The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
And
finally, 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm,
you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God
went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the
results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well,
it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A Lady golfer was injured during a tournament by a miss-hit ball. Carried into the clubhouse where the doctor asked
' Where was she hit ? '
' Between the 1st and 2nd holes ' was the reply.
' Doesn't leave much room for a plaster ' said the doctor '.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Man:
Where have you been all my life?
Woman:
Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man:
Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Man:
You're pretty
Woman:
Pi$$ off.
Man:
Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Man:
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman:
Unfertilised.
Man:
No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your @rse.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Deathbed
Confession
Jake
was on his deathbed. His wife Susan was maintaining a vigil by his side. She
held his fragile hand as tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from
his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My
darling Susan,” he whispered.
“Hush,
my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh. Don’t talk.”
He
was insistent. “Susan,” he said in his tired voice. “I have something I
must confess to you.”
“There’s
nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Susan. “Everything’s all right,
go to sleep.”
“No,
no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and
your mother.”
“I
know,” she replied. “That’s why I poisoned you.”
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The
Sons
An
Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.
"My
son was born on St George’s Day," commented the Englishman. "So we
obviously decided to call him George."
"That’s
a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St
Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That’s
incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same
thing happened with my son, Pancake."
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The
Daughters
There’s
an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage
daughters.
The
Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day & I
found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know she
smokes".
The
Scotsman says, " That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the
other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked
as I didn’t even know she drank."
With
that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was
cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I
was really shocked. I didn’t even know she had a willy."
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Coma
A
pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep
coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no
longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The
doctor replies, "Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from
Cork came in and named them."
The
woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he’s an idiot!"
She
asks the doctor, "Well, what’s the girl’s name? "
" Denise."
"Wow,
that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?"
"Denephew."
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The
plane crash
Ireland’s
worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed
into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish Search and Rescue
workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The
old man
A
woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I
couldn’t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "
What’s your secret for a long happy life?"
"I
smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also do a gram of Charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of
whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and do pills on the
weekend."
"That’s
amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?”
26 said the old man.
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A
married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of
the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says,
"Look,
it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her
husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She
asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************